Today is hard. I feel sick to my stomach and on the verge of tears (and sometimes over that verge). There have been two other sibling groups that we have grown attached to during this process -- kids that we prayed for and thought about lots and lots. You imagine what life might be like with them, how you might arrange the bedrooms to accommodate them, taking them on family trips and a bustling dinner table. We lost them too, but those sibling groups were adopted. I was sad for myself when they were adopted, but truly overjoyed for the children and their new families.
This time is different. We've been praying for these kids and thinking about them for weeks. There was a new level of excitement since this was the first time we had submitted our home study. We've lost these kids too, but they are still waiting. The sadness isn't balanced by joy for their adoption. Today is just hard.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Disappointed
We talked to the adoption agency today. It was decided that we would not be a good match for this particular sibling group. During our homestudy, we were asked to enumerate what sorts of behaviors we were comfortable with (especially considering we had young children in the home), and this sibling group has some behaviors that we preferred not to bring into the home with very young children.
We are disappointed, to be sure, but we are also appreciative that the social workers were honest with us up front. Of course they are eager for these children to find a family, but we are grateful that they considered our needs as well.
We are disappointed, to be sure, but we are also appreciative that the social workers were honest with us up front. Of course they are eager for these children to find a family, but we are grateful that they considered our needs as well.
Thursday, April 14, 2011
Waiting...
We received a phone call today (when we weren't home), asking us to call the adoption agency. I have no idea what to expect when we call back tomorrow, but I'm not sure I'm going to sleep well tonight!
Friday, April 8, 2011
The Bad Guy That Adopts Three Kids
As a family, we recently watched the movie Despicable Me. It's a cute movie about a villain whose career isn't going so well, and he adopts three kids to help him in his plot to steal the moon.
Well, my boys have re-titled the movie, "The Bad Guy That Adopts Three Kids." We used this movie as a platform to talk about adoption with them a little, but the conversation got a bit goofy.
Me: "What do you think, should dada adopt three kids?"
Boys: "Yeah!"
Me: "Does that mean dada is a bad guy?"
Boys: "Ummmm..... nah. He's not a bad guy."
Well, my boys have re-titled the movie, "The Bad Guy That Adopts Three Kids." We used this movie as a platform to talk about adoption with them a little, but the conversation got a bit goofy.
Me: "What do you think, should dada adopt three kids?"
Boys: "Yeah!"
Me: "Does that mean dada is a bad guy?"
Boys: "Ummmm..... nah. He's not a bad guy."
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Adoption Journey Timeline
July 2010- explored adoptflorida.org; called local number; signed up for MAPP classes
(MAPP classes are a series of 10 3-hour training classes for families considering fostering or adopting from foster care)
August 2010- began MAPP classes
We learned a TON about the kids in foster care and their experiences, the difficulties these children face and how to help children adjust to a new family, and what the adoption process entails. While much of the information wasn't entirely new or earth-shattering, it gave us a chance to discuss a large variety of topics surrounding adoption in more depth.
We filled out large stacks of paperwork about our family, our family backgrounds, education, finances, discipline, why we wanted to adopt, etc. We also signed consents for a number of background checks and fingerprints.
It was easy to get a bit frustrated filling out so much paperwork, but I tried to keep in mind that all these hurdles are designed to protect children who have already been wounded in their young childhood. If there weren't so many hoops to jump through, then some real weirdos could adopt these kids!
November 2010- home study
We were assigned a social worker, who came to our home to ask us lots of questions! The home study allows the agency to get to know us as a family, and to make sure that we are able to provide a safe and loving family for children in their care. Our social worker asked for clarifications and more detail about all the paperwork we had submitted. She also looked around the house to make sure things looked safe and well-cared for.
I was very nervous about the home study. I felt like I might say the wrong thing and POOF! our adoption hopes would be down the drain. Our social worker, though, was very personable, and made us feel very much at ease with the process.
The second meeting of the home study included a long series of questions about what sort of child(ren) we would consider adopting. We went through long lists of medical conditions, abuse history, developmental delays and behaviors. To each item, we had to state whether we would be willing to adopt, willing to consider, or not willing to adopt a child with that description. This was an emotionally difficult thing -- to say that you want this child but not that child. Our no's had mostly to do with protecting our two little ones.
November 30, 2010- bittersweet notice
Justin received notice that he was being laid off. Our approved home study arrived in the mail the same afternoon. We pause our adoption journey and begin a job hunt. I chose to see this obstacle as a test of our resolve. It would certainly be easy to be discouraged, but I figured the devil must not like adoption. I also decided not to look at the photolistings of waiting children during this time, since we couldn't pursue adoption without an income to provide for them!
February 2010- new job, resume adoption process
Justin didn't take long to get a new job, and with a raise at that! We being looking again at the photolistings again.
March 2010- home study submitted
We submitted our home study regarding a particular sibling group! We wait and pray patiently... well not so patiently!
(MAPP classes are a series of 10 3-hour training classes for families considering fostering or adopting from foster care)
August 2010- began MAPP classes
We learned a TON about the kids in foster care and their experiences, the difficulties these children face and how to help children adjust to a new family, and what the adoption process entails. While much of the information wasn't entirely new or earth-shattering, it gave us a chance to discuss a large variety of topics surrounding adoption in more depth.
We filled out large stacks of paperwork about our family, our family backgrounds, education, finances, discipline, why we wanted to adopt, etc. We also signed consents for a number of background checks and fingerprints.
It was easy to get a bit frustrated filling out so much paperwork, but I tried to keep in mind that all these hurdles are designed to protect children who have already been wounded in their young childhood. If there weren't so many hoops to jump through, then some real weirdos could adopt these kids!
November 2010- home study
We were assigned a social worker, who came to our home to ask us lots of questions! The home study allows the agency to get to know us as a family, and to make sure that we are able to provide a safe and loving family for children in their care. Our social worker asked for clarifications and more detail about all the paperwork we had submitted. She also looked around the house to make sure things looked safe and well-cared for.
I was very nervous about the home study. I felt like I might say the wrong thing and POOF! our adoption hopes would be down the drain. Our social worker, though, was very personable, and made us feel very much at ease with the process.
The second meeting of the home study included a long series of questions about what sort of child(ren) we would consider adopting. We went through long lists of medical conditions, abuse history, developmental delays and behaviors. To each item, we had to state whether we would be willing to adopt, willing to consider, or not willing to adopt a child with that description. This was an emotionally difficult thing -- to say that you want this child but not that child. Our no's had mostly to do with protecting our two little ones.
November 30, 2010- bittersweet notice
Justin received notice that he was being laid off. Our approved home study arrived in the mail the same afternoon. We pause our adoption journey and begin a job hunt. I chose to see this obstacle as a test of our resolve. It would certainly be easy to be discouraged, but I figured the devil must not like adoption. I also decided not to look at the photolistings of waiting children during this time, since we couldn't pursue adoption without an income to provide for them!
February 2010- new job, resume adoption process
Justin didn't take long to get a new job, and with a raise at that! We being looking again at the photolistings again.
March 2010- home study submitted
We submitted our home study regarding a particular sibling group! We wait and pray patiently... well not so patiently!
Monday, April 4, 2011
My First Experience of Adoption
When I was in elementary school, a new family moved into our neighborhood, and they had a son adopted from Romania. I had gotten to know this child a little bit, and was intrigued by the idea of adoption. When I was in 6th grade, he passed away tragically just shy of his 10th birthday. At the funeral, there was a slide show at the church with some pictures of his time in Romania and his life with his adoptive family.
I was struck deeply by how this little boy's life was transformed because a family opened their hearts and home and loved him. Despite the tragic circumstances and the heartache that this family endured at his passing, I knew at that young age that I wanted to adopt someday. That experience has remained with me all these years, and continues to be an inspiration on our own adoption journey.
I was struck deeply by how this little boy's life was transformed because a family opened their hearts and home and loved him. Despite the tragic circumstances and the heartache that this family endured at his passing, I knew at that young age that I wanted to adopt someday. That experience has remained with me all these years, and continues to be an inspiration on our own adoption journey.
Resources on Adoption
We have done a great deal of reading and praying about adoption, and my thought about these reactions are certainly not exhaustive! We have found a few books particularly helpful:
- Adoption: Choosing It, Living It, Loving It by Dr. Ray Guarendi
- Adopting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky
- Parenting the Hurt Child by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky
- Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray (reading these now)
- Nurturing Adoptions by Deborah Gray
- www.adoptuskids.org
- www.adoptflorida.org
- http://www.focusonthefamily.com/socialissues/marriage-and-family/adoption.aspx
- http://www.icareaboutorphans.org/
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